No matter how hard you try, you can’t ignore a broken heart. You can hide it and there’s lots of people that are masters of burying their hurts and brokenness. I am pretty good at it myself. But, in the quiet, when I’m alone, it’s got to be dealt with. I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds the quiet to be the hardest time to ignore my heart. It’s in the quiet, when I stop being busy, when I stop running here and there, when I stop filling myself up with noise, when I’m alone, that I hear God’s voice the loudest. It’s in the quiet that I sense His presence the most. It’s in the quiet that I can have real conversations with Him.
I want to go back to where my relationship with Jesus was years ago, before life threw me this incredibly heart-breaking blow. But, I don’t think it will ever be the same. I guess that’s expected. No matter how hard I try to get back to where I was, my heart won’t let me go. I still feel so hurt, so let down. Even though I know all the right answers to every question my brain wants to ask, I still can’t shake the aching in my heart.
Every relationship changes over the years. My relationship with Jesus will never be what it was; it is and will continue to be different. I think that’s okay, actually better. There is a closeness in suffering that can’t be described. I know He is with me and feels every part of the pain that I feel. He cries with me. He holds me. He loves me.
There are times I talk to Him with words my heart doesn’t feel. But, because I know the truth, I just keep saying those words over and over again, waiting for my heart to catch up. Actually, most days are like that … simply telling my heart what the truth is and waiting for it to believe it.
I think that’s everyday life for a lot of people out there.
It’s hard to tell your heart what to feel. It definitely has a mind of it’s own. But, it’s the only way to not lived crushed, day in and day out. “Crushed” …. that may be the most perfect word to describe grief, to describe the hurt on the inside. To come out of the “crushing” is a hard thing. It takes a lot of time and a lot of opening yourself up again. When you’ve been crushed so badly, you can’t imagine having a heart that’s whole again. That’s when I hear the cry of David’s heart from Psalm 42:11, and speak it to myself …
Hope. It’s the only way to bring your heart out of the crushing. Hope is the only way to get through another day without my girl. Today, I choose hope and trust that my God will continue to gently hold my fragile heart in His hands, And, I trust that He will restore and see that we are paid back for everything that was stolen from us. I already see that our Katie’s story is being used to heal and restore others and that was all she wanted. She would be so thrilled, knowing her life made an impact on others and that God was glorified in it all.
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