My husband would be delighted if I found out the answer to this question, I’m sure. But, it’s not the kind of quiet that he may wish for. I’ll still be there giving him gentle reminders about closing kitchen cabinets and putting his shoes in the closet. Sorry, babe.

It’s a different kind of quiet.

It’s a true silencing of the noise around me.

It’s being still and not distracted by the obligations of life. Let’s be honest. Sometimes the obligations limit the quietness and we have to be intentional in seeing the quiet out. But, what if we’re avoiding the quiet? What if the quiet is too much for you heart and soul? That’s when it becomes extremely difficult.

I am coming to understand myself more and more with each day. I like to fill myself with noise so that I don’t have to listen to the quiet. Because in the quiet is where the most pain is. In the quiet, I let my heart go. In the quiet, I feel all the things. In the quiet, I face everything. I have no choice. My heart comes alive in the quiet, which makes it easy to avoid.

Sitting still. Being quiet. Trying to make sense of it all. Listening to my heart. Listening to the voice of God speak. All hard things in this season.

I never hear God’s voice louder or feel His presence more than in the quiet. In those moments, I feel like the child who doesn’t want her parents to talk to her, to hold her, touch her, or hug her, but just wants to run away and lock herself in her room. Because in those quiet moments, that’s all God wants to do. He wants to hold me. He wants to love on me. And, my heart swells. The tears come. And, I can’t handle it all.

So, I take baby steps. I find myself in the quiet. I feel all the things. I lean in. And, then I have to say “enough is enough” for that day and “let’s meet back here again.”

I never felt more aware of this until I discovered this new song by Amanda Cook, “House on a Hill.” (if you haven’t found this album yet, find it!)

The lyrics wrecked me. It’s funny how just a song can bring you such clarity sometimes and speak right to where you are.

Take your chances
There’s nothing here to lose
Ask your questions
I promise you the truth
As you’re ready
I want to hear your heart
Is it heavy
Where wounds have left a mark?

Allow Me to introduce Myself again
I’m the Love you used to think could not exist
I’m as sure as where you’re standing and as free as the wind
You don’t have to reach for Me, ’cause this is where I am

I need the quiet. I need the reacquaintance with the living God, the One who is my father and my friend. I need to continue to ask the questions even when the answers don’t bring me comfort. I need to keep sharing my heart and my pain, knowing He’s listening.

He waits for me in the quiet spaces of my life. He doesn’t rush me. He just waits for me. He won’t abandon me. He won’t leave. But, He also longs for me to be there.

So, I am working hard to yearn for the quiet spaces with Him and not yearn for the noise that distracts me from Him. Yes, there is pain and aching in the quiet, which I don’t want. But, it’s the only place I can find peace and healing.