Torn

I have never felt so torn as a mother.

The current circumstances of our lives has forced me to make one of the most difficult decisions I think I have ever made. And, with that, I feel like my heart is literally being split in two.

What do you do when both your children need you at the same time? Not the kind of need where one needs you to wipe her butt and one needs you to make her a peanut butter sandwich. I long for those days where you can teach just a little bit of patience in your child and compromise on the timing of the need.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case with me right now.

While La Petite Belle is still lying in her hospital bed, K Belle is off to Australia tomorrow.

The plan has always been for me to go with her. Plane tickets were bought; hotels were booked. Plans were made. I know I’ve posted before about making plans and realizing that those plans may not always happen, but almost six months ago, our medical team here assured me (as much as they can assure anything here) that by the end of January, La Petite Belle should be doing fine and I should definitely book the trip to take K Belle to Australia. So, I did.

Now, we find ourselves in another unplanned, difficult situation.

For the last week, I have debated on whether to go and was pretty much set on canceling my trip. However, the doctors, after much questioning by me, disagreed with me canceling. In fact, the whole staff here kept telling me I should still go. The doctor said that she did not see La Petite Belle taking any steps backward and that she is stable. That was definitely good news because honestly, we hadn’t seen that big of a change in her symptoms.

But, just this morning, we saw a little glimpse of progress. For the first time in weeks, La Petite Belle sat up and began talking to us. K Belle claims it’s because she’s here, but La Petite Belle’s nausea didn’t seem to be an issue. She even requested to brush her teeth. We had a good couple of hours until … one of her drugs was hung – Foscarnet. This particular drug is targeted to cause any of those viruses that were in her system in the past to not rear their ugly heads during this time that they are suppressing her immune system. Within 20 minutes, the nausea appeared again. Of course, one of the side effects of the medicine is nausea. So, the doctors are considering reducing her dose to once a day and I’m hopeful that this will also reduce her nausea. It was such a joy to see a little bit of my girl back this morning! It was the most she’d talked or been awake in days.

I wavered for days, weeks now about canceling my trip.
In the midst of my decision-making, I got a phone call from my parents. They had booked my mom a flight from overseas to help Beau out with La Petite Belle while I would be gone. They also encouraged me to go.

As Beau said, “Mama can’t be in two places at one time.” He told me to go. So, the plan remains. I did shorten my trip to only be in Australia six days. It will definitely be a whirlwind trip for me.

Seeing La Petite Belle this morning gave me a little peace about leaving tomorrow with K Belle. I so wanted to see some improvement before I left.

As a mom in this situation, I was going to feel guilty, no matter what decision I would make. I’d feel guilty for leaving La Petite Belle in the hospital, and for putting so much on Beau. Seven days in a hospital room can get quite depressing without a break. Your mind starts to mess with you a lot. I’d also feel guilty for not going with K Belle. There is a lot to be done for the year she’ll be in Australia … furnishing her room, opening bank accounts, handling cell phone issues, and just plain old doing the going-away-to-college-Mommy thing. Putting her on a plane to a foreign country to fend for herself and handle everything would have made me also feel like a bad mommy. Once your children turn 18, you don’t just kick ’em to the curb and say “fend for yourself.” They still need you as a parent. And, a girl will always need her mama.

I would love to be there for both of my girls at once. But, unfortunately that’s not humanly possible.

So, tomorrow evening, K Belle and I will fly out on that long flight to down under. We’re so proud of her for chasing her dream and following the call of God on her life. I know God’s going to do something awesome in and through her.

It’s been such a joy being her mom and watching her mature and grow.
I’ll definitely miss her something fierce, but this is just another area where I can trust God to take care of my children.