I have posted multiple one-sentence titles in my blog list to be posted over the last couple of months. No content. Just titles. I’ve posted thoughts there nonetheless so that one day I might come back and write what that title even meant. This is such a day.

Let me update you a bit …

We just completed the first day of our 10 days of the immunosuppressive therapy. The first day involved a lot of waiting, which I have become quite accustomed to lately. La Petite Belle was given small doses of the ATG to start, while being monitored and checked for any sort of reaction from the medicine. She did well so the full dose was given.

This bag of meds is huge.

A few hours into the infusion, she experienced some pretty strong reactions to the meds. It started with a headache, then turned into muscle and joint aches and pain. A little while later, symptoms started to get a lot worse … a bit of nausea, but the worst was the chills she had. She was shaking so uncontrollably that she was starting to panic and not be able to breathe. I covered her with about 10 blankets and held her. She cried and said, “I don’t want to do this.” I cried and just held her.

Thankfully, after the doctors came in and gave permission for more doses of pain relievers, she was able to sleep a little and a couple of hours later felt a lot better. The strong reactions she had yesterday should be less today and hopefully not there at all thereafter.

She will be getting one of these large bags each day for four days, infused  over 10 hours a day. She will be getting a 14-hour break in-between each bag. She’s also getting a high dose of prednisone. Her immune system is compromised right now so we are in the ICU and not accepting visitors just yet, but hopefully soon.

Thank God for Benadryl. (If only they would give me some!)

That’s the update for right now.

I must say that through the last couple of months I’ve had to constantly remind myself who God is and who He is not.

I think, mentally, that is my biggest struggle and probably the same struggle for lots of people who go through stuff like this or any sort of trial or unexpected circumstance.

As a child, I remember seeing cartoons and other images where the main character would have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. You know exactly what I’m talking about. I think that image is not too far from the truth. No, I don’t literally think I have a devil and angel on each shoulder, but I do have the Holy Spirit, who whispers the truth, and the enemy, whether it be Satan himself or sometimes just my own fear, whispering lies.

I know that seems silly and childish, but the struggle is real though this.

Taking every thought captive is something I have to do every day, every hour, every moment.

At the beginning of this, I had all kinds of thoughts:

On one side (the lies) – Could God be allowing this simply to teach me a lesson? What kind of God would do such a thing? Could this thing be a result of something I’ve done wrong? Or Beau and I have done wrong? Is there anything in my life that could have actually caused this? I re-evaluated my WHOLE life, start to finish. Was I being punished for something? Would God actually allow something like this as a punishment for me?

On the other side (the truth) – No! God does not work like this. He is a good Father and good fathers DO NOT allow harm to come to one child just to teach the other one a lesson. I, as a mother, would NEVER even think of doing such a thing and I’m a flawed mother, while He is a perfect Father. Will He use this to show us things, teach us things? Most definitely. But, this is not His doing. He did not cause this. Yes, it is happening. The question becomes more about what we will do through this process. How will we respond when our faith is tested (which can be quite often when bad doctor’s reports are given)? When everything is stripped away, what will be left? Will our faith remain? Will we still trust? Will we still believe that our God is a healer? Most definitely, yes! Why? Because as I’ve said a million times in the past and from the pulpit, “If we’re going to say God’s Word is true, then we have to believe it’s true in all cases and in every situation.” We have to trust. We have to believe. We have to hope.

Honestly, if Beau and I didn’t have a firm grasp on the Word of God, of who He is, and a close relationship with Him, I don’t know how we could make it. I don’t know how people who don’t know Jesus and have a real relationship with Him get through stuff like this. Jesus is our only hope! He is our strength.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I just have to trust that God has this all under control. That God has already healed La Petite Belle a long time ago through Jesus’ sacrifice and stripes on His back. That none of this is a surprise to God and He sees what the future holds. That He has been preparing us for this. That I have no control over  anything and there’s nothing I can do to fix this. That God loves La Petite Belle, just like He loves me. That He loves her more than I love her. That He’s her Father too. That she is precious to Him. That He wants her well. That He has a fantastic plan for her. That He loves my family. That He will not leave us nor forsake us.

I don’t know why this happened to us. I mean … why US? Why are we the ones that have to go through this? Again … I have no answers. And, I have to just be ok with not knowing and not having answers.

But, I have been meditating on this verse almost EVERY day:

You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. -James 1:3-4

It’s that “Don’t try to get out of anything prematurely” part. It rings in my ears over and over. I want this over. I want to hurry up and my daughter to be healed. I’m pretty impatient with everything when it comes to that. 

But, this whole situation may not be a quick fix like I want it to be. It may take longer than I want. The longer it takes, more faith is required … more trust … more patience. And, as we walk through this, despite how quickly I want it over, I have to ask the Lord what He desires of us through this … all of us … each person in my family. He definitely wants us to draw close to Him and He will draw close to us. So, we wait and we draw on His strength, all the while He shows us His glories and promises through the process.