Joy and Sadness

It is possible to have both joy and sadness at the same time.

This past weekend, we had moments of sadness and moments of joy and even laughter all at the same time.

La Petite Belle cried a few times this weekend about the likelihood of losing her hair through the chemo that is given to prep the body for new stem cells. Her hair is her pride and joy. She spends lots of time on her hair and it looks really good. That hair is so thick and healthy!

I made the mistake of asking her if she wanted to just cut it short ahead of time so it’d be easier to deal with. That just sent her into a roller coaster of emotions all day.

Her words were: “I’m gonna look like an ugly boy.”

I spent the rest of the day trying to convince her that her beauty does not come from her hair. Whether she has hair or not, she’s beautiful. Her beauty comes from the inside.

Those words are all good and fine, but still hard to swallow by adult women, much less teenage girls.

I told her that everyone on her floor would look just like her. That did not comfort her. She said, “I don’t want to look like them. Then everyone will know I’m sick.”

I cried as she cried. Some things get easier. And, some things get harder.

It was even harder to deal with when, through tears, she said, “Now I know what you guys meant about appreciating and taking advantage of the time K Belle and I have together. By the time I’m feeling better, she’ll be gone.” There were more tears, more crying. Then, we had to text the sister to come to the hospital because La Petite Belle missed her so much.

K Belle, being a good sister, was in her in a jiffy. She definitely lifts La Petite Belle’s spirits. Her mood instantly changed and then the four of us played some pretty intense games of UNO. And, there was laughter. Not just regular laughter, but gut-busting, more crying laughter. I thought for sure the nurses were going to shut it down and kick the dad and sister out, but they didn’t. They loved it. I don’t think they hear too much of that here in the ICU.

Even on Sunday, I felt a little guilty leaving for just a few hours to go to church. But, K Belle was singing and I really wanted to be there. La Petite Belle has a hard time with me leaving, even for a few hours. She begs me to stay, but sometimes you just have to leave, especially to shower.

Even though I had this tinge of guilt and wanting to be with La Petite Belle, I had such great joy seeing my girl worshiping and just really starting to come into her own.

My feelings … my emotions … they run the gamut right now.
I’ve learned that you can feel joy in the midst of sadness.  And, it’s ok to feel happiness. That’s the even harder part. You don’t have to feel guilty for happiness or laughter or doing anything else besides caring for your child. Your child needs you to have some joy. And, joy gives you strength,
The joy of the Lord is your strength. -Nehemiah 8:10

We are still waiting on updates as far as the transplant goes and details of the time frame that we will be faced with. We have read a lot about the process and realize that this will be a long one. More details to come on this once we know.

Hoping to move out of ICU today and move to the PEDS floor, then be home by Wednesday! La Petite Belle’s white blood counts are up due to Neupogen shots. This will definitely help during the waiting process. She will be able to fight infection much better. There probably still will be transfusions as we wait. But we are hopeful for answers soon! More updates to come.