Escape

I’ve been wanting to try one of those escape rooms. You know what I’m talking about, right?

It’s where you get locked in a room, and have a certain amount of time to figure your way out based on the clues you’re given. It’s a puzzle. I don’t know how good I’d be at it, but based on my TV detective skills learned from Law and Order and CSI, I feel like I’d be amazing.

Unfortunately, I live in a real-life escape room right now. 

It’s an escape room of heartache. This type of heartache you cannot escape And, I don’t know if I’d even want to.

It’s a room filled with reminders of the past, great times with my Katie girl, and horrible times we lived the last few years since her diagnosis.

There is literally no way out of this room. Sure, there are a million “clues” of how to get out, but leaving would be forgetting, blocking the hurt from my mind, and “escaping” only by denial. So, I sit in here, for now. The difference is the door’s not locked. I can walk out any time I’m able. I just don’t know when that will ever be.

I can’t escape the heartache no matter how hard I try.

I try to stay busy. That’s the key, they say. It really does help to keep your mind busy. But, there is always a moment where a person has to just sit down, just be still. That’s when the heartache is more intense.

Believe it or not, I have leaned into this heartache. God, it hurts.

But, I don’t want to miss a single thing God is going to say to me. And, I don’t want to forget anything about our Katie.

We leaned in immediately after Katie’s passing. We looked at photos after her passing, talked about her every day, shed many tears over the things she would miss out on that she wanted to do. Then, realize she’s not missing out on anything, we are. We’re missing out on her and the life she’d be living on earth.

We didn’t wait to do this. We went through all her things, touching them, talking about what they meant to her, gave away some things to people who were important in her life, and watched video after video of our sweet girl. 

Some people can’t deal with it. They box things up, only to have to go back years later to face it. 

This pain is inescapable. It’s not going to go away with time. It will just get more bearable.

I wonder how different our lives would be if we leaned into every heartache, every pain, every trial. Why tiptoe around it? God knows it’s happening to us. Why don’t we face it head-on? 

That has become my posture in this and with all things. 

Just lean in.

Face it. 

Deal with it.

Ask God what He wants to show you through it.

Ask God how you can give Him the most glory through it.

We’re in the midst of this process right now. 

We have planned our own little escape for this month. At this moment, it’s almost 5:00 am, in Sydney, Australia, where we will be for eight days. Jet lag is in full effect, after our over 30 hours of travel to get here. We’ve been up since 3:30 am, missing Katie, talking about Katie, crying over her being gone. 

We will never be able to escape her memory and the impact she’s made on our lives. For the rest of our own lives, she will be a huge part, even through she’s not here.

We’ve come to Australia to spend time with Kylie. I do worry about her here and how she’s doing. But, just like no one can help me in my heartache and grief, she has to do deal with her own. Of course, she has amazing support here, which soothes this mama’s heart, but, I still worry. It’s just what a mama does.

We will be traveling for the rest of the month … “escaping,” but leaning in, listening to God speak, waiting for His direction, and reconnecting as a family, and as a couple, looking toward the future and what that looks like for us.

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers, as we continue on this unexpected journey.